Joan and Ben have been married for fifty-two years. I asked them to explain the longevity of their relationship. “Laughter,” Joan said. “We love to make each other laugh, and we find a lot to laugh about together.” Nodding, Ben added, “Even in the midst of our worst fights, it’s hard to stay mad at someone who can always make me laugh.” They went on to describe the importance of mutual respect and friendship as cornerstones of their healthy relationship. Ben said, “Respect is just as important as love sometimes. And you have to like each other as well as love each other. If you don’t like being around the person you’re with, what’s the point?”
Both highlighted the beauty and opportunity in everyday life. “You don’t have to spend a lot of money or try to find something exotic to do to have a deep connection,” Joan said. As an example, she described her morning routine. “I make our coffee while he reads the newspaper. He shares every story he reads with me and asks my opinion on it. Sometimes we have different opinions and get into debates. Or he just nods and says ‘interesting’ and continues reading. I can tell you’re thinking about what I said.”
This may seem like a small event, but it says a lot about something very important to your relationship (and relationships in general). Ben took what is usually a solitary activity (reading the newspaper) and made it relational. When Ben includes Joan in her daily activity, she makes her feel connected to him and appreciated by him. Also, he learns from her and enjoys her while he shares her own views on her.
How many people do you know who read the newspaper or get information online and never (or rarely) share what they learn with their spouse? Are all your individual activities still solitary or do you share your experiences with your partner?
Of course there will be activities that you and your partner do separately. But how many of these are things that, of necessity, need to be done separately, and how many are missed opportunities to connect with your partner? By following Ben’s example, you can create bridges between your individual interests and your partner.
Action Step Building Bridges:
Think about all the things you’re involved in that don’t include your partner (hobbies, work, daily routines). Even if you prefer to do these activities alone (or with someone other than your partner), can you think of ways to share parts of these experiences with your husband, wife, or partner? For example, when I finish an article, I can submit it immediately and move on to the next article. From a time point of view, that would be the easiest and most efficient. Instead, what I do is ask my wife to read it and share her impressions of what I’ve written. And the result? We’ve had conversations that we otherwise wouldn’t have had, discussions where we feel connected and where we talk about relationships in general and our relationship in particular.
Here’s an exercise that can serve as the first step in building a bridge between you and your partner: Draw a line down the middle of a piece of paper. Label one side, Activities I enjoy with my partner. Tag the other, Activities I enjoy that don’t include my partner. You can ask your partner to do the same. Remember, it’s normal and even healthy for each of you to have separate interests and hobbies. It’s a matter of balance: there should be enough shared activities to nurture the friendship part of your relationship. After completing your lists, reflect on the following:
Do you both feel that there are enough shared activities in your relationship?
Would you like to be more involved in any of your partner’s activities?
Would you be willing to share certain solitary activities with your partner?
An increase in shared activities could include direct involvement (such as joining your bowling league) or indirect involvement (such as being a spectator at bowling night and discussing the details afterwards).
Keep in mind that your partner may not want to include you in certain activities/interests. While this may hurt at first, try not to take it personally. (I know, easier said than done.) But the fact is that certain individual activities and interests can foster a sense of independence and build self-esteem, and can feel like a loss if shared with others. And after all, you probably have activities on your list that you’d rather keep separate, too.
