He had a stepfather and it is fair to say that he was not very fond of him. His name was Steve, and he somehow managed to surprise my mother and marry her. I didn’t like him, but I loved my mom and I was able to get along with the man for his sake.
I called him dad after a while. Not because I felt like he could be the dad I never had, but because I knew he would make my mom happy. It always left a bad taste in my mouth, and he must have had enough intuition to know that my efforts to bond were never genuine.
I also had a stepsister, but I don’t know anything about her, and it always seemed strange to me that she wasn’t part of our lives. Her name was Mandy and it was the product of her first marriage.
In the six years that I knew Steve, he only saw his daughter a few times, and she only lived a couple of cities away. He constantly complained about paying child support and I remember that the police came to our house to arrest him for not paying on more than one occasion. He was not a good husband or father, and he was definitely not a good stepfather.
He never made any real effort to break down the barriers between us, nor did he make any real attempt to bond with me. We just tolerated each other, and when my mother died, a victim of breast cancer, we went our separate ways and I have not had knowledge of him for the last twenty years.
Steve offered an approach to being a stepfather, but it doesn’t have to be that way. If you really love your partner and the children who are such an important part of them, you find a way to fit into the family dynamic and make things work.
When I met my girlfriend, Hailey, at her mother’s Christmas party, I also met her children. There was David, who was quite shy … and Amy, who was not. That little four-year-old girl introduced herself to me by sneaking up behind me and choking me on a plastic shopping bag. Later that night, the two of them had fun pushing squashed Doritos down the back of my pants.
It’s hard to act cool for the hot girl at the party when your underwear is filled with one of America’s favorite snacks … but I was fine.
I thought they were funny and I was able to laugh at myself with them. I really liked them right away. They were both adorable, and while pointing and laughing at the nacho cheese powder on my pants, Hailey asked me if I was “ready for this.”
Was he ready for that?
I loved! Those children were clearly a part of her, down to every fiber. Watching her interact with them that night was one of the things that turned me on the most about her. She was a good mom. My love for Hailey was born that night, and her children were a part of it.
When I met them, they were four and five years old. Amy was learning the alphabet and poor David cried himself to sleep every night because he missed his father. Now, almost eight years later, none of them can remember what life was like before me.
Now I have a son of mine, Christopher, who is five years old, and David and Amy will always be his older brother and older sister. He loves you and makes your day when you take the time to play with him.
Having been both a father and a stepmother, I think the latter is a more difficult position to be in. It’s hard being a stepfather and I congratulate those who do well.
It is an unfair situation. You share the same responsibilities as parents, but with the mallet against you. You are not the father and the children know it. You have to, very delicately, find a way to fit into the family structure without crossing any lines.
It is not an easy task.
At the same time, he is under constant scrutiny in his relationship with children; from your partner and, quite possibly, even greater scrutiny from your ex.
I’ve always had a recurring fear … that one of the kids will get hurt while I’m on duty! Fortunately, that never happened. All parents know that they cannot take care of their children every second of every day, but that is an irrelevant fact when it is only the stepfather.
You live under a microscope when it comes to raising someone’s children. You play by a strict set of rules, with less understanding, and with harsher repercussions for any flaws or deficiencies. It’s a demanding position that requires a lot of sacrifice, but it can and can be done well. Just not without real love.
Possibly the most unfair aspect of adoptive parenting is the fact that the relationship you build with these children is attached and dependent on the relationship you have with your partner.
I have lived with these children and have loved them for the better part of a decade. They are a huge part of my life. In the blink of an eye, they could be lost forever. If Hailey fell in love with me, or if something ever happened to her, they could possibly be cut out of my life forever.
One of the only things that is the same between parents and stepparents is the reward. I have played a very important role in raising these two special children. They are good people and I had a lot to do with that. I am very proud of the role that I have played in their lives so far. They love me … and no one can take that away from me.
I think I’ve been a good stepfather for the most part, although there is always room for improvement. If Steve was the benchmark, I have definitely gone beyond the call of duty. In many ways, I gave myself to these children as much as I did to Hailey.
I have been there for them to the best of my ability and have done my best to be a positive influence in their young lives. I’m not perfect, but I love them, and that may be all you need.
I am proud to consider David and Amy as “my children,” and I am proud that they are Chris’ older brother and sister. Hailey and I have done a good job raising them, and it is obvious that they are going to be good adults.
In the blink of an eye, Amy went from carrying a Disney Princess backpack and reading Green Eggs and Ham, to sharing a closet with Hailey and dreaming of falling in love.
David was quiet and shy as a little kid, but now he’s two inches taller than me and can be the life of the party with his sense of humor and silly charm. It has been a great honor to be a part of their lives and watch them grow.
I will continue to love them and do my best for them, for the rest of my days. They have made my life fuller and more important than it could have been without them.
The good certainly outweighs the bad when it comes to raising children in any case, whether you are a parent or a stepparent. Personally, I am very proud to be both.
