Introduction
When managed in a healthy way, an active sex life can be one of life’s greatest gifts. Having been raised in a society oppressive about our homosexuality, sex can take on different meanings for gay men. Whether or not you believe in the stereotype that gay men are promiscuous and “sex-starved,” the truth is that when sex is taken to the extreme and begins to interfere with your life and the achievement of your goals, it can lead to harmful consequences. that can destroy your future.
This article stems from my attendance at a recent professional workshop on treating compulsive sexual behaviors. It was excellent research into the world of sexual addiction and was presented by Arizona-based therapist Paul Simpson, Ed.D. Much of his presentation reflects on the work of Dr. Patrick Carnes, PhD, a pioneer in sexual addiction research and renowned author of a series of classic self-help books on sexual addiction treatment. Here is helpful information on sexual compulsiveness and recovery resources.
Am I addicted to sex?
When sex begins to interfere with your daily life, it becomes a concern that you are distracted from life’s tasks, or if sex controls your behavior instead of you “being in the driver’s seat,” all these are indicators that there may be an addiction. Playing. Additional factors cited by Simpson include loss of boundaries and having sex with less discrimination and discernment, sexual activities becoming increasingly risky, continuing behavior despite physical/financial/emotional costs, sexual obsession, waste of time and energy and neglect of self-esteem. important care and responsibilities. Increased impotence and unmanageability are the hallmarks of a developing sexual addiction.
Have you ever wondered if your sexual behavior is problematic? As with any addiction, denial can minimize the severity of your situation and “conveniently” block awareness of the reality of what is really going on. It can be easy to get sucked into the myth that being gay means having a lot of casual sex and that there are no limits to what is acceptable, especially with gay culture being sexualized by the media and the community itself at times. It is not about pathologizing sexual freedom or condemning those who are liberal with their sexual behavior; it simply points out the importance of establishing a definition of what constitutes healthy sexuality and responsibility in order to avoid negative repercussions from possible mismanagement. The Gay Male Sexual Addiction Screening Test is an assessment tool to help you assess your sexual activity. Go to the following site and fill out the survey and see how you rate: [http://www.sexhelp.com/gsast.cfm]. Use the results of this information to gauge potential “red flags” in your current sexual behavior.
why do we get addicted
All behavior has a purpose. Everything we do has meaning and is meant to satisfy some kind of need, goal, or result. The origins of sexual addiction are unique to each individual and encompass biological and psychological motivations. The following are some underlying causes that can lead a person to act out sexually, according to Simpson.
Excitement: The need to experience an adrenaline rush, supercharged by risk and novelty.
· Comfort: sex as a way to deal with stress and generate relief and relaxation; it can also be a way to reward yourself for a positive achievement.
· Escape: need to enter a trance state to avoid feelings; it can be disinhibiting and make you do things you normally resist.
· Affirmation: sex as a way of feeling valued and validated; it can act as a self-esteem booster and satisfies the need to want to be liked and important.
Helplessness: As a way of confirming a core belief one has about believing that one is flawed and inferior.
Power: sex as a way to fill psychological gaps using dominance and control over the other.
· Revenge: anger is eroticized and psychological wounds are dramatized.
If you have problems with sexual compulsiveness, what should drive your sexual performance? It is important to identify your reasons so that these needs can be addressed and met in healthier ways. What hurts? What is missing in your life? How does your sexuality manifest itself?
control your impulses
Sexual addiction is not something you can usually overcome by reading a book or with sheer willpower. This problem is powerful and causes significant distress and pain to the person struggling with it, as well as their loved ones and associates. Working with a trained licensed therapist who specializes in sexual addiction is essential, as is some type of group therapy or attendance at a Sex Addicts Anonymous support group. For some people, medication is needed, and primary or secondary mental health problems and other addictions may also need treatment. If you are struggling with sexual compulsiveness, get help NOW before you get too caught up in the downward spiral. Treatment can be a long and challenging road and you will need a lot of support and encouragement.
The following are some treatment-oriented suggestions from Simpson’s lecture that can help you overcome sexual addiction. These are not intended to be a substitute for therapy and it is strongly recommended that you work with a therapist as you implement these strategies for maximum effectiveness and control.
Read books on sexual addiction for education. Look in the resources section of this article for recommended reading.
Become an expert at capturing self-defeating thoughts and defeating them with cognitive restructuring techniques.
Identify the triggers for your bad behavior and develop plans to deal with these high-risk situations and feelings.
· Practice thought-stopping techniques to retrain your mind to use healthy sexual cognitions.
Explore ways to bring healthier vitality into your life. Find ways to give your existence more meaning and purpose and improve your self-esteem. Build your support network and achieve greater balance in all areas of your life.
Sexual performance can sometimes adopt predictable performance patterns. Learn to identify your “chain reactions” and rebuild healthier rituals to avoid reenacting unhealthy sexual behavior.
Make a list of all the consequences that your sexual addiction has or could bring to your life. Make another list of all the benefits recovery can bring you. Keep these lists with you at all times to refer to when you have urges to act as a way of determining whether to stick with them.
Develop a customized sexual addiction sobriety contract to clarify what your ongoing sobriety will look like with specific target behaviors and “battle plans” for dealing with violations and misconduct triggers.
There are a multitude of other strategies and techniques that are best addressed with the help of a therapist. To locate a sexual addiction therapist, visit the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health website for possible links/referrals in your area at
did [http://www.ncsac.org/members/resources_main.aspx] .
appeal and conclusion
With effective treatment, motivation for change, and a strong support system, freedom from sexual addiction can be yours! Make healthy sexuality your primary goal and really define what that means to you. The following is a list of resources and recommended reading on this very complex topic!
· Article reference: Dr. Paul Simpson, Ed.D. Class notes from his presentation “Treatment of compulsive sexual behaviors”. Visit their site at [http://www.sexstruggles.com] . He conducts national seminars for the public on sexual compulsivity and also provides sex addiction treatment in his group practice.
· Article reference: Dr. Patrick Carnes, Ph. D. The Guru of Sex Addiction Research! Visit his site at http://www.sexhelp.com and read his groundbreaking book, Facing the Shadow: Starting Sexual & Relationship Recovery, as well as his other series of self-help books on sex and Internet addiction.
To connect with a Twelve Step sex addiction support group near you, visit sites like Sexual Compulsives Anonymous (www.sca-recovery.org) and Sex Addicts Anonymous (www.sexaa.org) .
· An excellent book on sex addiction for gay men that I highly recommend is “Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men” by Rob Weiss, MSW. It is one of the few resources available that is written specifically for the gay male community and is a must read.
Disclaimer: The Gay Love Coach does not represent or endorse the quality of any products, referral services, information, or materials you display, purchase, or obtain as a result of being mentioned in this article. It is common sense to do your own due diligence before purchasing a product.
©2006 Brian L. Rzepczynski
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