The hardest part of dealing with infidelity is not the issue itself, but what happened after I found out. I had a hard time understanding why Doug didn’t stop suddenly and had such a hard time regaining those feelings of love for me. Now knowing the dynamics of affairs and reading what Doug had to say about the chemical benefits he received from falling in love allowed me to see his situation differently and now I realize that Doug was addicted to the feelings he was getting from his adventure.
Unlike being addicted to drugs or alcohol, where there is a 12-step program, along with medications available to counter withdrawal symptoms, there is no such program available to help you walk away from the temptations of an affair. As much as it may not seem fair, I think Doug could have benefited from the support and guidance of his extraordinary wife. However, at the time, I was not noticeable or supported. And when it came to offering guidance, it was working on sheer excitement without a shred of logic.
Looking back, I now realize that there are many things that I should have done differently. Things that possibly would have kept Doug away from the addiction, making my recovery less painful. This advice really only applies to those of you whose partners may still be on the fence and have a hard time separating from your adventure partner. If your spouse has confessed, you are sure the affair is over and you are doing everything you can to fix things, then this advice may not be as helpful in dealing with infidelity.
Mistake 1: Actually, my first mistake happened before the adventure. I was too naive in thinking that this kind of thing would never happen to us. I’ve read a ton of books over the years on a variety of topics, but at some point I forgot to read about how to have a good marriage. And it is not a subject that they teach you in school. Maybe I didn’t read about it because I was afraid to find out the truth about the way our marriage really was. Maybe I was in denial or I thought love would conquer all.
I wish someone had left a copy of Paul Blanchard’s book “Why Men Cheat” on my desk years ago. This book would have opened my eyes to what was happening in our marriage and thus saved me a lot of pain and suffering. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen and I bought the book much later, after Doug had his affair. Every now and then I still read it as a reminder of what I should do to make my husband happy.
Mistake 2: I overreacted when I first saw Doug’s cell phone use. Looking back, you should have tried to stay calm, assess the situation, and gather more evidence while working on a logical plan for how to proceed. Instead, he constantly looked at his phone. He was dragging Doug out of bed and asking him questions. I was acting out of sheer emotion and I didn’t really hear or understand most of what he was saying. All I remember are statements like “We are just friends” and “I care about you, you are the mother of my children, but I am no longer in love with you.”
Error 3: Flip me on a dime. I mean, acting like the perfect wife and doing everything that I thought Doug wanted me to do. This confirmed to Doug that it was all my fault. If I believed that I needed to change so badly, he was right to feel that I was a bad wife and that he had been the perfect husband. It also made him suspicious of my changes and added to his existing resentment. Do not misunderstand. I needed to make personal changes and those changes have benefited me as well as our marriage. But when it comes to our relationship, we should have mutually explored our problems, taken equal responsibility for the problems in our relationship, and discussed ways we could improve our marriage.
Error 4: Believing that everything he said came directly from his heart. I read somewhere that when a spouse is involved in an affair you should not believe anything you see or hear. When we had those late night discussions, I believed that he had individually explored his feelings and reached conclusions on his own. Doug is a very smart man, but thinking and expressing his feelings is not one of his best attributes. I wish I had realized that I was getting help with all of your ideas. Tanya had been there for the past nine months affirming, arguing, and manipulating her thoughts about her unsatisfying marriage. When I heard some of the things that came out of his mouth like “In love feeling …” “I deserve this …” “Boys, boys are tough …”, I surely hoped he really didn’t. believe what he was saying.
Error 5: Not being educated about what I was really facing and that an affair is not just about love. Now I know that an affair is based on a crush that produces the same effects as a powerful drug. Combine this with the comparisons that occur and constant affirmation from the partner, and it’s hard not to get addicted.
Realizing that comparisons are made between the spouse and the adventure partner helps the betrayed spouse understand what is really happening during the adventure. It really is an unfair comparison. They are comparing someone new and different to someone they have known for years. They are comparing a relationship free of responsibility to one that was stressed and based on real life events.
Also, during an affair, the unfaithful spouse receives constant affirmation from his partner. They are hearing how great they are and that they are not to blame for the state of their marriage. They have someone who agrees with their thoughts and thinks they are wonderful.
Error 6: Being personally attracted to the illusions of the matter. I shut up when I think of everything I said to Doug. I would tell him that she must be the perfect woman for him and that he deserves to be with her. I told her over and over that she should leave me and be with her and that I would take care of our family. I told her that she was his soul mate and that I was not a very good wife. All he was doing was helping to anchor these thoughts in his mind, whether they were real or not.
Error 7: Acting like a woman who was one step away from the fun farm. I acted clingy, neurotic, jealous, insecure, and suspicious. Compared to Tanya, I must have looked like a madman, becoming the last person Doug wanted to be with. In a matter of minutes, she would go from being a loving wife to an angry and violent person, then to someone who fell to the ground in a fetal position crying uncontrollably. He didn’t know which woman would show up and that scared him and really pissed him off. No wonder he kept running towards her. His little bouts of jealousy and insecurity were nothing compared to the crazy bird he was married to.
To Tanya, I was the perfect betrayed wife. Every morning she would wake up and wonder what I would do to ruin my relationship with Doug and make him look better. It really wasn’t that difficult. I was a scared and helpless wife who knew no other way to save my marriage. He was dealing with infidelity the only way he knew how.
Error 8: Trying to control him and tell him how he should feel. Throwing my moral convictions at him, showing him books, bookmarking websites, and telling him he was wrong. Doug hates being controlled and this gave him and Tanya a chance to discuss their feelings and their relationship. It opened up opportunities to discuss that their love was real and to focus on them rather than me and Doug.
Now that it’s over and I know everything will be okay, it’s easier to tell them to go away and trust that they will make the right decision. I know that you cannot force someone to do what they are not prepared to do.
Error 9: Not being myself. I tried very hard to be like her, or at least the woman I thought he wanted me to be. If only he had known that the woman he longed for was the person he fell in love with 30 years ago. He missed the person he used to be before he had three kids, a full-time job, a mortgage, and a laundry. The person who thought Doug was the most important person in my life, who laughed at his jokes and wanted to spend time with him. It would have been so much easier to become that person. After all, I know how to be that person. I, too, had missed being that person as much as Doug.
Obviously, every situation is different when it comes to cheating, but if your cheating spouse can’t make up his mind, keeps seeing your partner, or just doesn’t seem to want to come back to you entirely, then you may want to analyze his actions. to make sure you don’t make the same mistakes as me.
