Dale Carnegie’s Top 3 Personal Development Techniques for Managing People show simple but hugely effective things we can all do to influence others. I have been reading this book ‘How to Win Friends and Influence People’. You really should get a copy.
It’s one of those all-time best sellers that people keep talking about, so I grabbed a copy.
Success books try to give you an idea, some encouragement, or some training to move from one place to another. We truly become the sum total of all that we absorb. I enjoy reading these books – anything that can help me become the best person I need to be!
Sometimes these books are so logical, so basic that one wonders why they are best sellers, how come they are talked about so much for so long. I mean, this book was first published in the 1930s. But I’ve come to realize that a lot of people were never trained from childhood on how to relate to people, how to care about someone other than themselves, how to be genuinely about to connect and guide people – these books break. in such a simple way that anyone can improve their relationships.
How to win friends and influence people
Dale Carnegie gives 3 tips in the first section of the book: Fundamental Techniques in Managing People. See how you rate on these, they are invaluable in both our personal and business lives.
1. Do not criticize, condemn or complain
Criticism, condemnation or complaints only alienate and turn others against you. He advises:
‘When dealing with people, let us remember that we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are before creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudice and motivated by pride and vanity’.
Just think of an experience where you have known this to be true. What if someone has criticized you, even if it was deserved, made you want to help that person or do something to make them happy? Or did he make you withdraw a bit, or get angry, irritated, or upset?
The criticized person tends to justify himself, because he only sees things from his own point of view. The fault is not theirs but others.
All criticism does is make people defensive, resentful, and hurt. Ultimately, the situation that needed to be changed will remain.
Psychologists have shown in case studies that “animals rewarded for good behavior will learn much faster and retain what they learn much more effectively than an animal punished for bad behavior.”
Fostering good, having self-control and great character should be the goal of all of us. ‘A great man (or woman) shows greatness by the way he treats little men.’
There are some people who live to complain. Those customers who call or email and just want to rant, or maybe you have kids and they haven’t done what you’ve asked them 10 times. You need to decide the type of person you want to be known for. Learn patience, understanding and ‘speak the good of all’.
2. Give honest and sincere appreciation
Dale Carnegie’s observation here is that “the deepest drive in human nature is the desire to be important.” When we can make people feel important, you’ll have an instant relationship. Take time to thank others, acknowledge their contribution to something, notice even the little things others are doing around you – they will open their hearts to you because you have cared about what matters to them – themselves!
‘There is a persistent and unwavering human hunger here, and the rare individual who honestly satisfies this hunger of the heart will have people in the palm of his hand and ‘even the undertaker will be sorry when he dies.’
One of the greatest assets you can develop in yourself is the ability to truly appreciate and encourage those around you. Be lavish in your praise and appreciation of everyone you meet. Not in a fake and mechanical way, but genuinely spread and connect sincerely – you will get amazing rewards.
He tells a story to illustrate this truth:
‘According to this silly story, a farm girl, at the end of her hard day’s work, placed before her men a bundle of hay. And when they indignantly asked her if she had gone crazy, she replied: “Why, how did I know you would notice? I have been cooking for you for the last twenty years and in all that time I have not heard a word.” let me know you weren’t just eating hay.” When a study was done a few years ago on wives running away, what do you think was found to be the main reason wives ran away? It was ‘lack of appreciation’ “And I bet a similar study done on runaway husbands would come up the same way. We often take our spouses so much for granted that we never let them know we appreciate them.”
We are not talking about flattery, or motivated words to appease someone, but genuine appreciation and recognition. You could be working in an office where cleaning staff come and go and you’ve never stopped to say thank you. You could walk past the receptionist or cashier at the supermarket and never take the time to make them feel good. Such a simple thing can make you have influence and favor wherever you go.
3. Arouse in the other person an anxious desire
There is a quote in this section that is fascinating, it says:
‘the only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it’
He elaborates by saying:
‘The world is full of people who cling and look out for their own interests, so the rare individual who selflessly tries to serve others has an enormous advantage.’
As a business owner, you want to sell something to someone. This is great advice for your sales.
What does your client want? In his words, what are they looking for? When you can give them what they want, then you can show them how to get it, you have unlimited potential to help your customers get exactly what they’re looking for. ‘Action springs from what we fundamentally desire…’.
Carnegie says:
Tomorrow you will want to persuade someone to do something. Before you speak, pause and ask yourself, “How can I make this person want to do it?” That question will prevent us from rushing into a situation without thinking, with useless talk about our desires.
He quotes Henry Ford saying:
‘If there is any secret to success, it lies in the ability to get another person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle, as well as your own.’
If we all took a little time and worked on our personal development and paid attention to those around us, treating them as we would like to be treated ourselves, imagine how great that would be. That feeling of being accepted and important would build relationships on both a personal and professional level. These keys really start to separate the good from the ordinary, you will really win friends and influence people.
