How would you define spending quality time with your partner? Here’s a hint: it’s about much more than just sitting on the couch and watching TV. Truly happy couples know to spend real quality time talking to each other, discovering more about each other, meeting each other’s emotional needs, and getting things done together. So if you’re looking for the best relationship or dating tips, start by learning how to spend quality time with the one you love.
For most married couples, it’s probably just a few hours a week, if that’s the case. Now go back in time when you and your partner were dating for the first time. Chances are, you’ve spent about 15 hours a week enjoying each other’s undivided attention, and it felt fantastic!
What happened? It is a question of priorities. Your relationship, which nurtures the bond you and your partner share, has faded a bit (or maybe a lot). For many, work, finances and children were at the top of the list. The problem is that when you neglect your relationship, you separate. This drift leaves room for negative feelings and emotions to arise: loneliness, resentment, apathy, anger, and even heartbreak.
Acclaimed clinical psychologist Willard F. Harley Jr. talks about the ‘promise of time’. He emphasizes this concept with couples about to marry, but it is relevant to all couples, no matter how long they have been together. It’s basically the promise of spending time together each week giving each other quality, undivided attention.
In his clinical practice, Dr. Harley’s first task for many couples trying to rebuild their relationship is the exercise of giving each other 15 hours of undivided care for a week. Fifteen hours! Many couples have tried to convince you that this is simply not possible, mainly because it seems totally impractical. But, in the end, couples often agree that without time, they will never re-create the love they once had for each other.
To really make time for each other, Dr. Harley advises that couples follow the undivided care policy.
There are THREE PARTS to the Undivided Care Policy:
- Privacy. Time spent in each other’s company should not include children, relatives, or friends. Privacy is paramount because it allows you to give each other, and your relationship, your full and undivided attention. This can be difficult, but it is necessary. The presence of others (and especially children), while wonderful, interferes with affection and intimate conversation.
- Objectives. During the time you are together, try to satisfy emotional needs for affection, sexual satisfaction, intimate conversation, and recreational companionship. This is not an easy task. Obviously everyone is different, but the evidence shows that romance for husbands tends to be sex and recreation, while for most wives, they find affection and intimate conversation romantic.Dr. Harley’s advice is to try to do all of these things when you spend time together. This is a difficult task, so it is important to talk openly with your partner about each other’s emotional needs. Confusion often arises when one person assumes that her needs are the same as her partner’s. This can lead to frustration, anger, and a feeling of misunderstanding. Only through open dialogue can you know your partner’s needs and how to satisfy them and vice versa.
- Amount. The number of hours you spend together should reflect the quality of your marriage. If your marriage is satisfying for both of you, 15 hours of undivided time together is probably enough. If your marriage is less than satisfactory, should you spend more or less time together? The answer is that you should spend even more time together.
