“What about me?”
This seems to be the lament of the second born. No doubt was the response my daughter (a second born) gave when she read an article in Sunday Life published by the Fairfax newspapers last Sunday, where my birth order book Why the first born rule the world and the last in being born they want to change it was the basis of an article about siblings.
She claimed that the article was three pages long and only one paragraph was dedicated to the second born. Only a second son would realize that!
Certainly second children and middle children are usually the victims of bad timing. They are born too late to gain the benefits and privileges of their older siblings and, if they have younger siblings, too early to benefit from the more relaxed parenting style they generally experience.
The arrival of the second does not attract as much attention in families as the birth of the firstborn. It is not so much that the parents have ‘been there and done that’ but that their life has already been altered and a pattern of life has emerged that includes another entity. It has already been dramatically changed.
The firstborn has a vested interest in keeping the second son in his place, or at least in being seen as superior or better. He or she will often go to great lengths to remind her parents of her superiority. They often point out their second sibling’s misbehaviors or shortcomings to their parents in case they haven’t noticed. Number ones often don’t leave such matters to chance. So the second one to take on the competition will either go head to head or develop her own unique personality, traits and characteristics. They often excel in areas that are left over from the firstborn.
The second son leads a different life from the firstborn. His life will in all probability revolve around the life of the firstborn. It is better for the second born to get used to following the firstborn because in all likelihood they will accompany the firstborn to playgroup and preschool activities. Often they are woken from their afternoon naps so that the adults can pick up the firstborn from school. Secondborns learn to fit in, so flexibility is often a key component of their personality.
Their flexibility tends to make second children much more resilient than firstborn and they expect a little less from life. They learn early on that life doesn’t always go their way. While it’s tricky to pin down personality traits for a few seconds, there is a general rule of thumb to follow. Seconds generally differ in personality, interests, and areas of accomplishment from firstborns. If the firstborn is responsible, then there’s a good chance that number two is a terrorist. If the former is an academic star, then the number two may well find another field in which to shine. Seconds and mids often choose a different path than their brethren.
They also tend to have more friends as this cohort tends to look outside of the family for belonging. If they’re stuck in the middle of three children, they often develop a variety of social skills, becoming the social glue in many groups as adults.
The latter are often dedicated to social justice as adults. Equity is a big driver for this group as they progress through school and into adulthood. While the former often need a purpose in their lives to feel successful, many the latter need to support a cause to give their lives meaning.
The latter need different parenting experiences than their older or younger siblings. They are sometimes cramped, forgotten in the crowd, and may spend less time alone with their parents. Parents should be attentive to the messages this group gives, as your voice may get lost in the crowd at home. Many learn to be reserved and keep their opinions to themselves. “It’s not fair” is their mantra, and parents should be careful not to feel guilty with this group.
Making time to spend with this group, helping them find their own area of expertise, and helping them feel special seems to be the key to raising happy, resilient secondborns. This means that parents need to be proactive in spending time with them and especially sensitive to the fact that they don’t want to be compared to a successful older sibling.
Each birth order position has its own unique requirements on the part of the parents, but it seems that it is the second and middle that perhaps challenge and worry parents the most.
