In The Tao of Jeet Kune Do, Bruce Lee’s book on his philosophy of fighting arts, he talks about the six diseases that afflict us and prevent us from achieving success. I think they’re scarily relevant to the dating game and what men go through trying to attract women.
DISEASE #1) “The desire for victory.”
In martial arts, this is a disease because the need to win puts combatants in a dangerous headspace. They will often try to achieve victory by any means, causing them to be reckless and make mistakes.
In dating, this can be summed up as the feeling of “despair.” A man’s desire for a woman is so intense that we begin to ignore everything else except our own overwhelming emotions. The woman is no longer seen as a human being, and she becomes an object of desire.
When this happens, women can FEEL it. Their alarm bells will ring, because they can tell that you’re not interested in who they really are, you’re just looking to use them, either physically or emotionally.
This is not to say that you should not DESIRE victory, but you must understand that achieving your goals is a process, and you must learn to be patient and give yourself the freedom to withdraw if necessary. Focus on the journey, not the end result.
DISEASE #2) “The desire to resort to technical cunning.”
In martial arts, relying on technique forces you into a rigid fighting structure that becomes predictable to your opponent. Bruce Lee was a firm believer that you needed to customize your fight based on who you were fighting; in other words, you remained flexible, fluid, and able to adapt.
Too often, men think that using a “pick-up line” or doing what they see on TV or in the movies will get them results. They fall into patterns of doing the same things to attract women: asking for their number, having dinner and a movie, etc.
What you should know is that every girl is different! And you need to personalize your approach to the girl you want to be with. This is the only way to achieve success over and over again with women.
DISEASE #3) “The desire to show everything learned.”
In martial arts, Bruce Lee believed that you should only do what is required of you to defeat your opponent. Giving you the opportunity to show off gave the enemy opportunities that he could use to harm you. Instead of giving in to his ego, he must remain focused on achieving the desired result.
In the dating world, guys will go out of their way to brag about how cool they are in an effort to win the girl’s affections, so much so that they’ll try to be something they’re not.
They will brag about their accomplishments, lie about what they do or have done, and act like they are interested in the same things the girl is.
But eventually, this is revealed for what it is: a falsehood. Girls don’t want to hear you brag and they don’t like it when you lie to them. It’s better to strike up a conversation and ask about her, rather than dominate the conversation by talking about yourself.
And it’s much better to be honest about what you like and don’t like, because that’s the only way to gauge whether or not you’re really compatible with the girl.
DISEASE #4) “The desire to intimidate the enemy.”
Bruce Lee didn’t mind surprising his enemies. In fact, he would rather be underestimated.
Many men, while dating, try to impress the woman with whom they are spending a large amount of money on them. Essentially, they are trying to buy the woman’s love.
They will show a good game: expensive cars, big houses and top of the line items. They’ll talk about it too, chatting about great vacations they’re going to take and fun and expensive plans.
The danger here is that if you convince the girl that you are just a traveling ATM, that is how she will end up treating you. What really impresses women are the little things: being interested in their day, being confident and fun, inspiring them with hopes and dreams.
Relax and let the girl you are with discover your natural charm. That will impress her more than anything.
DISEASE #5) “The desire to play the passive role.”
In martial arts, being passive to simply react to your opponent. You are always on the defensive, afraid to go on the offensive for fear of opening up and being defeated.
The appointments are very similar. Guys too often sit around, waiting for the girl to ask them out. They will talk to a girl, but they will not look for a phone number. They will meet for a date, but hardly talk.
In short, they trust the girl to do all the work! And unfortunately, that’s just not going to happen.
You have to learn to take an active role with the women you want. You must be the one to approach THEM, invite them for a coffee, choose the place to go, keep the conversation going, etc.
It is YOUR responsibility to please the woman. Attraction doesn’t just “happen”, it must be created, and you can’t create attraction by being passive.
DISEASE #6) “The desire to get rid of whatever disease one is afflicted with.”
This is the hardest to understand, in the sense that the Zen koan gets off track. I think what this means is that in order to be successful, you can’t constantly struggle with your weaknesses. You can’t let go when you’re trying to get rid of them.
You just have to dilute them with the power of your strengths. I think a lot of this thinking is that if I focus too much on overcoming my weaknesses, I succumb to them, or what you resist will always persist.
Take it with a pinch of common sense. Desire is a part of human nature. But in the end. You will only be as successful to the extent that you LET GO, don’t focus on the things that all of you.
You may think that you are too old, fat, ugly, bald, or broke to attract a woman. By concentrating on these things, you CANNOT fix your dating problems. Instead, try to focus on why a woman would find you attractive.
If you can focus on your positive strengths, instead of your insecurities and weaknesses, you will grow emotionally and the results will be tangible. You will see more success, not just in the bedroom, but in all areas of your life.
