Kobe Bryant today demanded that the entire Los Angeles Lakers team be moved to the Eastern Conference.
“It’s like that. You know how you look under your bed every once in a while to see who’s there? Well, maybe not you, but I am. You find these dust bunnies anyway. They didn’t bother you in the first place.” , and they don’t bother you much when you find them, and you don’t feel better or worse when they’re gone. That’s the Milwaukee Bucks. They’re the dusty ones from the Eastern Conference. No one will miss them when we trade conference calls.”
Bryant, who also demanded that GM Mitch Kupchak trade jobs with Norm Smithers, manager of a Taco Bell Bryant frequents in Los Angeles, didn’t seem concerned that the Lakers would be the only Eastern Conference team bordering the ocean. Peaceful.
“Man, we’re the Lakers. The Lakers. Do you see any lakes around here? People talk about how things don’t make sense. Does it make sense that the best player in the league is sitting at home while a 23-year-old Kobe hopeful he’s making it to the finals making layoffs for a half-court offense against a bunch of tired old men LeBron James is in the finals, all the cameras in the world are focused on him, and I’m making phone calls to see if I can get him in the draw lower left in Hollywood Squares. Don’t talk to me about what makes sense.”
Bryant says the Eastern Conference idea came to him after looking at the rest of the Lakers’ roster and realizing he would probably beat the Cavs’ roster without James. “Now, I don’t want to be traded outright for LeBron James because, man, it’s Cleveland. But still, if Larry Hughes, Ilgauskus, and that Sideshow Bob guy from “The Simpsons” are enough supporting players to win the East, then there it’s where I want to be. Taking the whole team with me is the only way I see that we can improve on 10 wins next year without spending any money.”
“The Phoenix Suns knocked us out of the first round,” Bryant continued. “Those guys were so fast up and down the court that they burned their shoes during the game. In the East, guys play their entire careers in the same pair of shoes. Shaq and Pat Riley told me you don’t even have to introduce yourself.” . for the whole season. Just get your forty games in and get ready for the playoffs.”
League insiders believe a move to the Eastern Conference could prolong Bryant’s career. “You get to a certain age and you want to meet up with your friends, hang out, get some light exercise. Maybe go to Miami for a few days to soak up the sun. There are two ways to do it. You can retire and go play shuffleboard.” , or enter the Eastern Conference of the NBA”.
Bryant realizes that the Lakers will have to adjust. “It’s confusing at first. Everyone’s playing without a center. You get to 70 points in the West and it’s late in the third quarter. In the East you get to 70 and the coach is setting up the last shot. We’ll have to adjust.”
An immediate improvement in the Lakers’ defensive reputation is anticipated. “Honestly, most of us can’t protect my dad (who was out of the league for 20 years), but in the East everyone shoots 38% and talks about tough defenses. I’m looking forward to that,” Bryant said. .
There is still no word from NBA commissioner David Stern on whether the trade will be approved. The league is reportedly embarrassed that the Bucks agreed to the move in exchange for a third-round draft pick and the deal may need to be altered. Additionally, some teams believe the Bucks agreed to the move as a ploy to get the No. 1 draft pick next season. The competition for losses in the Eastern Conference is much stronger than in the West.
Will the Lakers switch conferences? The probabilities seem so remote that mathematically it is practically impossible. Then again, a league that can arrange for the Trail Blazers and Sonics to get the top two picks in the draft can make almost anything happen. Stay tuned.
