I often hear from wives who are trying to deal with two frustrations simultaneously. First, they are devastated that her husband has admitted to cheating on them. And second, they’re beside themselves because she doesn’t reveal who she’s been cheating with.
I heard from a wife who said, “My husband finally admitted that he had been cheating on me. I was very suspicious all along. He hasn’t come home on time. He has been getting a lot of phone calls and private text messages.” He has been distant and cold with me. He hasn’t shown any sexual interest in me for a while. I have repeatedly accused him of cheating on me and he has always denied it. However, last night he finally broke down and admitted that he had been cheating but had recently left. If that’s not devastating enough, he won’t reveal who he’s been cheating with. He says who she was doesn’t matter because she’s out of her life now. He says that he wants to move on with our marriage and put this behind us. How can I even start doing that when he won’t even tell me who she is? Why would he hide this from me? I will discuss these issues (and try to answer his questions) in the next article.
Potential Reasons Your Husband Won’t Tell You Who He Cheated With: There are several reasons why the husband will want to keep the identity of the other woman a secret. Sometimes the husband knows that if you find out who she is, you will be tempted to think or obsess over her and therefore it will be more difficult for you to move on. Many men worry that the moment she gives you her name, you will immediately google her or find her on Facebook and then contact her to get her version of her story or to confront her. Many husbands want to avoid this at all costs.
Another possibility is that their identity bothers you especially. It is common for her to be a friend, colleague, neighbor, co-worker, acquaintance or even relative. If it’s someone you know, you can feel doubly betrayed. I’m not saying that any of these examples are valid reasons for him to hide his identity from you. I’m just trying to share what might be behind your thought process to help you come up with a plan or strategy.
How to handle it when your husband won’t tell you the other woman’s name: I believe that you are entitled to this information. If you’re going to try to save your marriage, you need to be fully aware of what (and who) you’re dealing with. You can’t do that if he’s leaving out some puzzle pieces. He may well be reluctant to give you his identity out of fear. But there will be many difficult conversations in the days to come, and you have to move on anyway. He needs to understand that if he’s serious and sincere about moving on with you, he needs to be forthcoming without exception.
To communicate this, a suggested conversation should go something like: “I understand that you may be averse to my reaction to his identity, but that’s a risk you’ll have to take because I can’t assess our situation without having all the information. I need to know everything.” , including details about who she was, where you met her, the nature of the relationship, and how long it lasted. And that’s just for starters. In order for us to even begin to heal, you’ll have to show me that you’re willing to be honest and forthcoming about everything. .I will do my best to work with you, but you will have to do much better than this.I don’t even begin to think about our healing or what I want to do moving forward until I have all the information.When you are ready to give it to me, please let me know Until then, we really don’t have much to talk about. … You say it’s over with her and you want to move on. I can’t start doing that until you’re completely honest with me.”
I can’t promise that these words will make you suddenly talk, but they will certainly give you something to think about. Some husbands will try to wait for their wives to come out. They will just sit back and see if the wife will eventually drop the subject of the other woman. They hope they can ingratiate themselves with her in some other way. Whether you allow this or not is up to you. But I think his identity is information you need to know. Of course, there are several ways you can find out such information yourself, but it’s much better if he tells you himself.
That is not to say that their identity is completely vital to your recovery. Infidelity is devastating no matter who the other person was. But many women find it particularly difficult if they personally know or care about the other woman. Still others want to know if she is younger, prettier, or what made her husband risk her marriage.
And this is where it can hit a slippery slope. While I agree that you deserve to know who she is, I would caution against obsessing over her once you get this information. It’s understandable to want to know as much about the hoax as possible (and this includes information about her). But some wives get the basic information they’ve asked for and find it’s not enough. They will then take you beyond her and inquire about her, confront her, and then continue to think or think about her.
This is often not in your best interest. Whether you want to save your marriage or not, the focus should be on your healing and your ability to move on. If you think about her too much, you wish you had the ability to do that. However, this is not even possible if you don’t know who she is.
