There are no easy answers when it comes to deciding how to communicate or deal with your children in a way that will cause them to change problem behavior. The best way is to start with a simple goal like getting them to listen to you and respond in a positive way. Easier said than done? Maybe, but let me show you some proven and effective ways to get your point across and change your kids’ patterns of misbehavior without banging your head against the wall.
Plan for success by deciding what you want to communicate to your children, what discipline methods will work best with them, and how you can help them avoid problem behavior in the first place. Start by keeping your communications with them simple. Do not read or tell them what happened when you were a child. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Keep your sentences short, speak clearly, and always remain calm.
Children learn from their parents. If you yell and lose control, they will too. If you hit and hit them (which you should never do), they will learn that violence is a way of trying to get people to do what you want them to do. If you warn them not to do something and offer a punishment if they don’t comply, make sure you comply. Otherwise, your children will learn that all your threats are empty and will continue to do what you don’t want them to do.
Do you constantly criticize and never praise your children? Criticism has its place as long as it is carefully worded and constructive. Let’s use a messy room situation as an example. If you say to your child, “You’re the biggest bum I’ve ever met,” what is that telling him? The answer is: nothing. Not only have you insulted your son, but he has not received any instructions from you yet. Try this instead: “Clean up your room today. If you do, you’ll have more room to play and room for your friends when they come over.”
That tells a child that there is something inside to be cleaned. When your child cleans up or does a chore on time, offer him some unexpected praise thanking him for doing it. If they don’t follow your instructions to clear the room after at least two warnings, lower the barrier with reasonable punishment. Punish them, give them time out, refuse to let their friends play with them, or do all three until their room is cleaned to your satisfaction.
If you have house rules, make sure your child understands them. Too many parents continually yell all kinds of demands at their children without telling them exactly what they would like their children to do. If a child stays out too long after dark, it might be better to say, “Do you think you can stay out all night?” or “You know the rules: get there before dark.” The answer is obvious. The rules remove excuses and replace vague criticism and name calling.
One way to take the sting out of rules is to offer your child some options. There are kids who would rather sweep the porch than wash the dishes or clean the garage than take out the trash. By offering options and letting your child decide, you eliminate yet another reason for him not to do his homework. If they don’t comply, act immediately. Never postpone punishment or the assignment of punishment for more than a short time. If she does, the child probably won’t even remember what she did wrong by the time he is punished and won’t learn from the punishment.
Children are not perfect and they deserve a chance. The last thing you want is to be perceived as an unfair dictator. Most experts recommend that you give children three chances to complete a task, do a chore, or instantly change a negative behavior. If you want a child to stop banging a toy against a wall, ask him to stop. If they don’t, tell them to stop. If that fails, take the toy away and give him an appropriate punishment like time-out or extra chores.
If you want your children to listen to you, you have to listen to them. If your child wants to talk to you, give him the attention he deserves. Turn off the TV, step away from the computer, and stop texting. Listen to them and respond to what they say in an honest and caring way. Offer good advice and don’t place children by telling them they’ll feel better in the morning or telling them to stop thinking about their problems. If you don’t help your kids with their problems, they’ll look elsewhere for answers, and you don’t want them to. Try to get to the heart of his problem and help him solve it.
Never use insults or labels in your communications with your children, don’t tell them that they are stupid, dumb, lazy, crazy, acting like a baby, or make statements like: “You’re like your useless Uncle Henry.” You also don’t want to go too far in the other direction by using politically correct psychological responses like: “I see… That makes sense… I understand… I really… How about that… I feel your pain” and so on. Be kind, be fair, be honest, and be yourself.
Children like reinforcement. Sometimes they want to talk to you about a very simple problem to see if you’re willing to put in the time and effort to help them solve it. For example: Your child says, “All my friends are away for the weekend and I don’t have anything to do.” Ask them if they would like to do something with you. Maybe the two of you could go to the park, visit the local library, see a movie, throw a baseball, or do something else you often do together. You can also suggest that they go out and try to make new friends in the neighborhood or visit a neighbor’s kid they haven’t talked to in a while.
You should never play Let’s Make a Deal with your kids. If you do it once, they will wait for it again. Do not compromise your authority or your security. There will be many times when you will have to hold your own, especially with teenagers. Things like dating, putting on makeup, having inappropriate physical relationships, going out late at night, failing courses in school, or driving a friend’s car without their permission (or maybe even their driver’s license) are all good examples.
Adolescents have reached a stage of development that is preparing them to live on their own. This makes it difficult to keep them in line with house rules designed to control their desire to be completely independent before they are ready and to protect them from harm. Teenagers believe they will live forever and many think they know everything, so any argument designed to appeal to common sense or warn of the potentially dire consequences of their actions is likely to fail.
Teenagers want respect and freedom, but those things have to be earned. Let them not do that. Make a short but complete list of the rules you must follow. Every time they break a rule, there should be an instant consequence. Teens love to communicate, so taking away phone or computer privileges for a reasonable amount of time is a good start. If they stay up late, punish them. If they still try to go out or habitually break the late stay rule, remove their identification and lock their closet so they don’t have instant access to clothing except for sweatshirts or pajamas to wear around the house.
You have to protect your children because they will probably place what they think is fun above protecting themselves. If you think your children might be experimenting with drugs, ask them for a drug test during a scheduled appointment at the doctor’s office. If they are using drugs, take immediate steps to stop that behavior. Keep them away from drugs and drugs away from them. This could mean that they will no longer be allowed to leave the house on their own. It could also mean placing them in a more stringent educational setting (when changing schools or homeschooling). They should also take periodic and unexpected drug tests to make sure they are following the rules.
Inappropriate physical relationships are a big problem among teens and always have been. Teens don’t understand the far-reaching and very serious consequences that can result from what they consider to be simply “goofing around.” There are no easy ways to deal with this, except by limiting the time teens spend alone with their peers. Grounding and isolation from other children need to be handled delicately to avoid turning your teen into a social outcast. This should be the last resort, not the first response if you suspect your teen is having that type of physical relationship.
The most important consideration in any step you take should always be the health and safety of your child. Before you lower the boom with a ground connection and full isolation, try to give your child some leeway by allowing him to go outside within strictly set parameters. Make it a rule that they should never be alone with a known or perceived girlfriend or boyfriend at any time. This rule should be extended to the point that your teen is not allowed to be anywhere that would offer them the opportunity to be completely without the supervision of responsible adults.
Check in on your teen and make sure they check in with you every hour when they are alone. Make this a hard and fast rule that has instant consequences if broken. If you allow them to take over and run your own life, they will probably ruin it. Remember, it’s not only in your child’s best interest to keep them out of trouble, it’s in your best interest as well. There are many jurisdictions where parents are now equally responsible for the actions of their children. Parents are being fined or even jailed when their teenage or teenage children get out of hand and usually break the law.
There are no shortcuts to good parenting. You have to be positive, decisive, proactive and responsible when it comes to your children. You must be a good listener, a constant companion, a fair judge, and always comply with any reasonable punishment when children and adolescents refuse to behave, break house rules, or decide to test the limits of how often they will exercise their authority. .
